I raised my hand with the empty beer pint in my hand. That was my 3rd one. The waiter, who seemed to have been expecting my call looked at me and came running with a new pint. My brain and body were working on Autopilot. My thoughts were stuck elsewhere. They were stuck at the crowd in the bar. The crowd was enjoying the music. I was there with Sonia. Sonia was looking towards the band as well. I sat in a comfortable position away from the eyes of everyone except ofcourse the waiter. He was continually checking if I needed something. Was it because I was special? No. He just went the extra mile to serve the customers better. An automatic “Thank You” came out of my mouth when I was handed over my 4th beer, or was it 5th? It did not matter. I sat there still staring at the crowd and thinking how the world has changed. Here I am unable to ship my motorcycle home because it’s too expensive but right now I am sitting in a bar and racking up the bill total to 3rd of the total transport cost. I do not have the luxury to have the best for myself, but the crowd had, it was quite obvious. A girl drops her drinks and doesn’t bat an eye, goes to the bar, buys a new one. A guy spills his beer and casually walks away only to come back in a few moments with another bottle. A happening social life on a Saturday night, what more do these people want?
“Naimish, it’s a good song right”, Sonia snapped me out of my zone. I realised the song had now changed, the band was playing “Zombies”. All of a sudden it hit me. Almost 90% of the crowd was working for one or the other firm. A closer look and you can see the signs, some came with their laptop bags, some were wearing shirts with their employer’s logo, some were discussing spreadsheets, the list goes on. I was not listening to Zombies, I was looking at them ‘The Corporate Zombies’. These zombies were having the time of their lives but they weren’t free of the virus that churns their brain to worry about the Monday deadline or the emails they need to write. I sat there for another 10 seconds smiling and thought “I am lucky to be no longer a corporate zombie”. I was genuinely happy for those 10 seconds. When the reality hit, it hit me hard. I moved from finding zombies in the humans to fighting the demons inside of me in 10 seconds. This wasn’t a drill, there was a fire going in my brain and the brain was struggling to keep the negativity out. It failed miserably.
I began wondering, “What if I end up jobless for longer than I have planned?”, “What if I am never rehired?”, “What if my blogging doesn’t pick up?”, etc. I didn’t realise that I was having a major panic attack. I sat there taking shorter rapid breaths trying to keep myself calm. No eye was looking at me, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know what was happening to me, I was masking it pretty well. I excused myself and went into the washroom. A quick look at myself in the mirror and a few splashes of water on the face later I was okay. I was back to the way I should be, happy and joyful. I sat down with Sonia and we talked about other stuffs. It was time to say goodbye soon. We parted ways.
Once home, I chose to stay awake as I had an early flight to catch. Life on the other hand had other plans. I went to bed thinking about my panic attack and woke up right in the nick of time, thanks to my cousin. I was sure to miss my flight but managed to reach on time. Before I went to bed, my thoughts were about the Corporate Zombies. They freaked me out. Yet, they weren’t the wrong people, they were just the way they are supposed to be. It’s me who decided to leave that life behind me, so why do I still wonder about it, why do I still feel that I belonged there, in that crowd, why do I still feel the need to keep earning money when I know that I am able to do very well without it? I guess, a part of my brain is programmed to archive these memories and hence never lose them. So, once again I survived a panic attack which only made me stronger.
What is the point of this article? Simple. When you take a decision, there will be plenty of hinderances and incidents which will make you question it, but if you have a slightest trust in yourself and your decision DO NOT SWAY. You have one life, always find time to do something that you dreamt to do as a kid.