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And she left, leaving me wondering "What the F is wrong with me?"
Well, how do I start? As I write this, believe me I am very angry at myself. It all began when I was going back home from office last saturday - yes we work on Saturdays. Usually, I look at people as I walk to the metro station and don't think too much about it. But that day, that day was different. That day I had time to look at people, walk calmly and think about what have I been doing with my life and why the hell am I working in a news company - more on that some other day. The overbridge distance from Andheri station to Andheri metro station is about 200m, and I know it because I crib about walking that much everyday. During this walk, there are so many people that push you to get ahead of you and so many people you push to move ahead. It was Saturday, the traffic wasn't that bad. I looked at the girl walking slowly in front of me. Usually I just move pass slow pokes, but I just couldn't do it this one time. She was wearing a black top and a pair blue jeans that went upto her ankle, skinny, complimented her figure. Everybody notices the figure, everyone. She wore beige flats but she had a firm grip on them as not once did those flats get dragged on the floor as she walked. They lifted with her foot and landed with it. She wore an anklet on her left foot, green. I looked up, her hair, slightly curled, mesmerising. I was so curious to see her face, but I didn't want to come out as a stalker of sorts, so I just walked ahead of her and kept walking to catch my metro. I thought that was the end of story, I couldn't have been wrong.
Soon enough she was waiting for the train at the same platform and this was when I saw her face for the first time. It was a face you cannot not go gaga over. Round face, big eyes, smile that can instantly kill you. She had the perfect height, the perfect body, the perfect hair and face to fall in love with. Yes, she suited my preferences for the body, I was not sure if her nature would be as good, maybe a put off or maybe a loveable one. She caught me looking at her, didn't react. This is when I realised that I needed to talk to her, ask her out for a coffee or something. It was my only chance, if I lose her I probably would never meet her again. So I walked a couple steps ahead towards a new beginning. The suddenly stopped. Panicked. Cold feet. Froze right there. I wasn't surprised though, I have never been able to make a conversation with a girl unless someone introduces me. This was no exception.
The metro train arrived, and the next 10 min went by with an internal battle more brutal than getting hit on your toe by a table. A part of me wanted to ask her out, it was logical, I liked her and I needed to give it a shot. What's the worse that could happen? She would say no. But there was another part of me who had no courage to do so. I was sitting in front of her in the train. I prayed that she stays till Versova as I was heading to Versova. She did. 10 min passed in deciding whether I should ask her out or not. I didn't. We got out of the train at Versova. I had less than a minute to ask her out, before she walks out of that station and disappears. I gathered all the courage I could. Walked faster to catch up with her. I was just 1 meter away from her. Then it happened.
In my mind I was contesting about what to say to her. Should I tell her I like her and that is why we should go for coffee, or should I just ask her to go for coffee with me like they do in TV series? I made up my mind to just say whatever comes to my mind. I raced to get ahead of her. Took 2 steps and froze. Again. In the middle of the path, I just stopped. I couldn't walk up to her. The man walking behind me hit me because I stopped. I apologised to him, he ignored it and walked away. I looked at her. She was already going down the stairs. I pumped my myself up, it was now or never. So I ran again. By the time I reached the stairs she had gone down all the steps and was walking away from the stairs. So I leaped 3 steps at a time to catch up with her. A single miss and I'd be writing this blog from the hospital. I reached downstairs. I ran to her. Just about the time when I was going to talk to her, she sat in the auto rickshaw and instructed the driver to take her home, wherever that was. I just stood there to decide my next course of action, and it had to be quick.
My heart ached. I still had time to talk to her. I didn't. I just walked ahead. The auto rickshaw rode past me and I looked at it go. I couldn't have been angrier at myself. I couldn't have been stupider. I couldn't have been more introverted than this. It was bad. I should have talked to her in that half hour I was with her. From walking to the metro station to waiting for a train to getting on one to seeing her go, I had plenty of chances and I blew all of them. What would you call a guy like me?
Anyway, I probably won't see her again, but atleast I know I can't let this happen again to me. I most certainly will try my best and fail at it, again, like the past 7 years. I have fallen in love with amazing women, and we have had amazing relationships but never once was I the one to initiate the conversation, so you see, I have always been the panicked one.
Here's to hoping the best for the future.
Word of advise - Don't let her/him go!! Ask them out.
Cover Pic Courtesy: TrailBlazer