What It Feels Like When The Whole World Thinks You Are Wrong?
I'm not interested in playing the victim. I like stories about survivors - Laurie Holden
If you think like Laurie, you might be disappointed in me after reading this blog.
Perhaps the most brutally honest, emotionally driven post of my life. I would be lying if I said I don't have tears in my eyes. It will also be true that I have read this 10 times before posting and have removed so much from it and it still feels long. There was a time when I was genuinely happy. Happy about life, my decisions, and most importantly my life of being Finally Jobless. Long gone. To say that I am still jobless will receive a lot of criticism. And why not? I have a nice and stable job now. I have a press pass. I am a journalist so to speak. On my visiting card, whenever I order them, it will say Junior Producer under my name. I make 2-3 videos everyday in office. They are about the latest Technology news from around the world.
So am I happy? Well. By the end of this post I will know. Hopefully.
Coming back to the title of the post - The whole world thinks I am wrong.
That might be a little exaggerated, because my world is BIG. Over 1500 friends on Facebook. Over 1500 Subscribers on Youtube. 200+ Friends on whatsapp. I have a really huge family. But then again I still have a tiny circle of people I talk to regularly about my problems. Not today though, today this piece is for my real world. My big huge digital family. Okay I laughed at "Big huge".
Big Family - Big Huge Family
No more stalling. Let's get to the point.
It is no secret that my job at Network18 is not as awesome as I had hoped. I am not blaming anyone. I did not do my due diligence before accepting the offer. Hence it's not anyone else's fault. I told my parents the same thing when I saw them this weekend. I say this to my friends all the time. In one way or another they try to tell me that it's wiser for me to suck it up instead of fighting a pointless battle. This is not a bad advice, it's just something I do not want to hear. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with my job. There are enough challenges, many hurdles, and a very good opportunity to grow, but it just doesn't feel the same to me anymore.
I always wanted to be a free bird.
I left Deloitte, gosh it seems like ages ago now, because I wanted freedom from the rat race. I have been told that there is no way you can stay away from a rat race because that's the norm of life. If you ask my immediate bosses how often I have thrown child-like tantrums, they'd probably say more times than they can remember. I want things to change. I want things to be easy. I really want things to be unbiased and unprejudiced. That's not how corporates work. But the less we talk about corporates, the better.
So free bird is what I want and I crave. I wanted to quit Deloitte. I did. I had my parents' support. I had my friends' support. I had a strong will and determination. I was happy to do it. Now, I have none of it. My parents think I am a slacker who hasn't settled down yet. My friends think I am a full-time cribber. They also think I don't think through my actions. My will has shattered because I have begun to believe that I can't escape this system.
Most importantly, I am confused.
When I tried to fight things my friends showed some articles that told me how it's great to surrender to things you cannot change.
When I tried to stand up, my boss told me it's great you stood up and asked me to get back to routine from the next day.
When I shared my thoughts to a confidante, he told me that those don't work in India.
When I shared my fears to my parents, they've told me I am the one who's wrong because I am indecisive.
I was asked to be honest and when I was honest I was accused of setting a wrong example.
So I assume the world is no place for a lazy ass like me who just wants things to happen the way he likes.
Quite frankly, I want to believe that last statement is incorrect. That I am not lazy. I don't want the earth to revolve around me. But I can't believe that anymore. Because for the past 6 months, it is the only truth that has been shoved down my throat and I have begun to believe it.
It's not a pretty site when you are made to realise that you aren't cut out for the real world.
I believe every being on this planet is sent with a purpose. Humans even more so because our births are planned. But the world is not cut out for you. You do not get what you want on a silver platter. You have to get it yourself. I can seriously barf on that quote.
Do you realise how hard it is to read through quotes like "The price of success is hard work". Oh no it's not hard because I can't do it. It is hard to see that this has become a mandate. A mandate now misread as suck it up to things you do not agree with. Who doesn't want to work hard and succeed? But by working hard if you mean following set rules to climb a ladder and keep climbing while you push others out of your way. I AM SORRY. I am not signing up for that.
I do not feel bad for myself.
I feel bad for the millions like me. Who have no clue about the world. Who are still thinking that doing what they love is good enough. They growing up thinking the world is their's to conquer. Is it really? Be innovative, creative, Be part of the new trend. This is what we learn to do. If you are painter, you won't be successful unless you have created something no one has ever seen. If you are a film maker, you won't be successful unless you make a compelling film or a rather idiotic one in India.
And these, these are the ideals that our friends and parents want us to live by. Work hard. Struggle. Grind. No pain no gain. I say F*** YOU. I have worked my sorry ass off for far too long. I have worked 14 hours everyday to prove I am no less in Finance consulting than a CA or an MBA and I have done it for the half the money you pay them. So don't tell me I didn't work hard. I did. But I want to change that. For me and for others like me. I want to be able to stand up and say this is it. I do not want to live on this planet by your rules.
I do not want to live on this planet by your rules. Can I please do it?
No - was the answer. Over and over. Again and again. I was told I live in a dream world. Asked to control my wavering mind. Get back in line.
Well, are you happy now? I am back in line. Go to work. Pay my bills. I am demotivated to make videos on my channel. Too tired to edit videos for my friends. I need constant validation from people. Every action I take I am not confident about it. I am checking Facebook every 5 minutes to see if I have a like on any of my posts? It shatters me if I do not. I am unhappy I do not have followers on Twitter. I have not posted on this website in over 2 weeks. And I will share this blog on social media to get more validation from my friends.
Why is this happening? Why am I throwing tantrums at work? Why am I calling in sick when I could just pop a pill and hop on to work? These are the questions that you guys need to be asking. The same guys who have been telling it is wrong to think that you can be happy without hard work. The answer is in my head. It's also in this post. But no one was asking these questions? Everyone was busy telling me to think through things, get my act together, to stop being confused. Because that is what we have learnt to do and say.
What do I want?
I do not know now. I really don't. The last time I was asked this question, like a foolish child I replied "I want to make people happy". But what makes people happy?
Getting work done makes my boss happy.
Making money every month will make my parents happy.
Going out dining, spending time with them will make my friends happy.
How to I make everyone happy?
Self-doubt is killing me inside. I can't even hear my inner voice in this chaos. I don't know what to do.
Everyone taught me what I should be doing to survive, to succeed. No one really told me how to give life to the inner voice. How to nourish it, because it is the only constant in my life. I am so under confident right now that I can't even articulate what's on my mind.
I have been re-reading this post over and over and I am neither happy with it, nor sad about it. Just trying to regain the voice inside of me. I am trying to listen to it over the echo of the world telling me I am a failure because I am not in line. I am nothing but a big baby.
We drifted off topic
That happens when you aren't a seasoned writer. If you are here with me still, thank you. I am not a quitter. I like building and maintaining relationships with people and only people. So when people tell me I am wrong, it hurts. When system tells me I am wrong, I will die fighting it. It's the people who are my weaknesses.
I have challenged traditions, rules and norms time and again. Yet I have failed to challenge people. Because what people think and say matter a lot. Afterall aren't they the same people I want to see happy?
And the worst part of this is:
I am characterised as Naive, over confident, childish, fool, idiot, arrogant, having an attitude problem, and a lot more.
So am I happy now? How can you be happy when the world thinks you are wrong?