I was sad today. I wanted to write a depressing post about it. Sadness is relatable, sadness brings people closer. If you talk about what makes you sad, everyone will understand and will relate. If you talk about how happy you are, people who understand have nothing to say to you except a sincere congratulations. This is, believe it or not, the sad reality. Yet, it’s not in my heart to spread sadness or to tell people I am not happy so come and console me. I wasn’t sad about my infatuation as the title would have you believe. I was sad about something that doesn’t matter anymore. Did I just waste a whole paragraph which has absolutely nothing to do with the story, yes. Get over it and read further.
To continue entertaining myself I opened Instagram as I finished reading everything that my wall had to offer on Facebook. Scrolling through Instagram I came across a picture of a friend who was once very close to me. Life is all about making and losing friends. I made a friend I swear I fell in love with, the love you use to friendzone people “I only love you as my best friend” kind of love. A few months ago our friendship broke over a text that said she couldn’t remain friends with me as I was a negative influence in her life. I gracefully accepted the decision but burnt inside.
You can never be sure about people, because people, have to ability to think and make decisions. You hit a dog and it will probably come back running to you when you offer some food. People on the other hand can think and make wise decisions. They might be a lot more alert the next time you call them.
Days passed after that gruesome text, I didn’t hear from her. We talked once or twice a few months later I don’t remember but it was very casual. What doesn’t break you makes you stronger they say, but trust me what breaks you, actually makes you ruthless. I stopped caring about her and a few other friends as well. Everyday for weeks I was angry at her. I hallucinated every dear friend of mine sending me the same text. The thought of her clouded every other thought and it made me furious. The idea that someone is so brutal to a friend, a FRIEND, was killing me.
Time heals most wounds. Weeks passed and I forgot about her. From time to time I saw her pictures on Instagram and I began appreciating her life more than I was appreciating it when I was her friend. But today, today was different. Today was when I realised that it wasn’t Friendship. It was more. It was always much more than that.
She looked as pretty as your heart can measure. I stared at the picture for 5 minutes. A friendship of 1 year started playing in front of me. Those dinners, those day outs, those parties, everything played on that imaginary silver screen in front of me. I realised that I was attracted to her back then, I am attracted to her now. She was my infatuation. I never really thought of her that way. She was my friend, and she always will be. Yet, it was this very moment when I figured out that those pretty eyes, that face, those hair, that smile had me spellbound back then. And then it hit me. This is why I was so bitter about losing our friendship. It wasn’t the friendship I cared about, it was the idea of not talking to her again, not seeing her again that hurt me more. It was the infatuation that was killing me inside. At that very moment, not even a second later, I also felt relieved. A relief that you experience perhaps less than 5 times in a life time.
I glanced at the picture once again. Double tapped on it because yes, she deserves it. Scrolled down and smiled. I was free. I was free of it, of the feelings I had for her, of the anger I had for her, of the sorrow I thought she brought to me, everything. There was nothing to be sad about, there was nothing to be forgiven. There is only one truth, every feeling resides inside of you, it’s upto you to find it and tackle it. No one can be blamed for how your mind works. Own your life. Be free of everything that can hurt you or break you. What ended for her a few months ago for her, ended now for me. My infatuation ended.